Painfully In Love

I guess this is how many of us feel.........



When you love someone, it is not always going to be smiles and kisses and sunshine. That is the Hollywood bullshit that has been fed to us from the moment we were first placed in front of a Disney film. Real love is messy and painful and hauntingly beautiful. There were times I have been in love and felt elated, and there have been times where I realized I was in love far too late to rectify the faltering I had committed.


This is what I know about the painful kind of love,


When you’re in love you will feel out of your mind because after trying to be logical for so long, you’ll realize that you cannot rationalize this one feeling.


You’ll want to be a better person for them, and you’ll replay every mistake and over-think every flaw you have because you’re clawing at anything that will make you someone they could love again. You’ll scold yourself for not holding them tighter, or kissing them more when you actually had the chance. You’ll find yourself googling the possibility of time travel, and be disappointed that scientists have yet to figure it out.


You’ll walk through stores, your classes, and your life in a daze because when you’re in love you realize that something is always missing when you’re not with that person.


When you’re in love, you’ll find ways of connecting everything to them. You’ll see them in a bottle of wine as you walk through the store because it has a zombie on it, and you know that they loves zombies. You’ll buy it for them even if you’re not sure if they like this type of wine–because you want to show them.


You’ll have to resist the urge to text them every single time something makes you laugh, and every time something makes you frown. You’ll have to remind yourself that maybe they’re already laughing at something funnier. Maybe they’re crying at something even sadder. You’ll cringe when your friends bring up their name, but silently hope they’ll say it again because their name is the most beautiful sound you have ever heard.


When you’re in love, and it hurts, you’ll find that it is hard to eat or even sleep. You’ll find that it is hard to focus on anything but the hope that things could one day be different. You’ll scold yourself for knowing that this isn’t healthy, that this intense feeling of selflessness is not conducive to making yourself happy in the end.


When you love someone, you’ll find yourself crying when you stumble across memories of you together. Whether it’s in a picture, or a song, or a place that you used to claim as, “ours.” Memories always have a way of being perfectly recalled during times when you wish you could bury them so deep they are dissolved by the magma center of Earth.


You’ll be willing to wait months, maybe even years, for them to come back to you in the way that you achingly hope that they do. You’ll be willing to be in their life in any stupid capacity you can, even if it’s only on the sidelines. Because when you’re in love, it doesn't matter that they love you back. It doesn’t matter if they’re happily in the arms of someone else. Because when you love someone, you’re willing to be in pain just to know that they’re falling asleep with a smile on their face.

Defining Moment During Fieldcamp

      MY DEFINIING MOMENT

From the day I enlisted into BMTC (Basic Millitary Training Centre) School 4, I don’t know if I would change for a better person. By saying that I’m referring to the attitude to my parents. They say people change inside NS and now I have come to realised it.

First day here in 5^th Coy was both exciting and stress reason being thinking how my section mates, buddy and my commanders will be like. It’s like getting to know strangers from different background and personalities and working hand in hand as a section together! The first person whom I met was none other than Lester. He had this ‘runner’ look. To me I can spot the runner kind of look. We then exchanged conversation only to realise that I was similar to him. We all take part in major marathons and swim. Besides that, getting to know all my section mates was fun. We introduced ourselves where we came from and what faculty we did.

My defining moment happened right here during field camp. It all started back on the 11^th September 2013, 0800 hours. It started off with our 12km route march. It was like a daily routine everything was normal, we had our FBO(Full Battle Order) on with helmet and our SAR21 (Singapore Assualt Rifle in the 21st Century) except that we were not wearing vest slack but long 4. During the march we sang lots of army songs to boost the morale and to keep going because singing will distract the fatigue in us and we’ll be able to go on for a longer period of time. But it was slightly different for me. During the march, my mind was in a whirl. I was thinking about field camp. Will I be able to survive 6D5N in the forest? What struck me was when I remembered what my PC (Platoon Commander), 2^nd LT (Lieutenant) Sean told us. He said this: “Prepare for hell during field camp”. Will we get tekan (Punished in malay)? Will I be able to dig my shellscrape in time? Will we be able to follow the timings that we were supposed to meet? Many thoughts of the worst came to my mind when I was marching.

At last the last few kilometres to our campsite. On the way there, I saw another company’s recruits digging the shellscrape. I was thinking why didn't our field camp started earlier? When we reached, everyone was shagged so was I. Due to the hot weather and the distance was longer than the usual 3km. The first day started with lessons learning on how to do danger crossing, field signals, fire movement to the rear, etc.

Day 3 approached, and we had to dig our shellscrape. We got to the site and I was praying for a good land to dig mine into. Command was given to start digging and I did. We had to dig with our SBO (Skeletal Battle Order) on. The sun was above scorching us relentlessly. The helmet and the SAR21 was a burden to me. Every single dig I took, my helmet would cover my forehead and my rifle would sling from the back to the front obstructing my way from digging. Then my platoon sergeant told us to use the clip at the utility pouch to clip it through the pistol grip and I tried. It was so effective. After 30 minutes of non-stop digging, I only managed to dig 30%. I was both physically and mentally exhausted. But then I thought of my parents, my sister and all of my friends. Why am I serving NS? I’m not serving NS to protect my country but to protect my loved ones who are living here in Singapore. That gave me the strength to continue digging, pushing my limits to a level where I never thought I will be at. After what seem like eternity, I managed to complete my shellscrape in 2 hours. Soon after it was lunch and we took our fresh rations.

The whole of platoon 4 gathered together as our commanders wanted to speak to us. Our PC, 2^nd LT Sean told us about the sacrifices what our parents did. Who put food on the table? Who tries to give us whenever we want something? Why do they work so hard for? It’s ALL OUR PARENTS! After listening what he said, I teared. He also said, when was the last time you said ‘I love you’ to your parents? When we booked out and go home, did you guys stay at home and have a good talk with your parents? Or you guys just dump your field pack and then go out with your girlfriend/friends. When he said that I bursted out crying uncontrollably. What made me even sadder was when our platoon sergeant told me that our platoon mate, (our section mate too) Kevin, his mum passed away the week before our field camp started. When I heard that I couldn’t believe it, he was so young, why did his mum have to pass away at such a young age of 48? This suddenly came to my mind. What if this happened to me? Will I be able to take it? Will I regret it? I will live in regret because sometimes I will shout and scold at my parents when I’m in a bad mood or they are naggy. My mum made a lot of sacrifices for me. Quitting her high pay job to teach me when I was have my PSLE. I disappointed her when I was in poly. Unable to fulfil her wish of me going into a local university. So I told myself when I came into BMT, I wanted to start my life here afresh. Wanting to make her proud of me. I want to go into OCS (Officer Cadet School) is because I want to lead. ‘To lead is to serve’ But to lead, you first have to be a good follower in order to be a good leader. I want to make my parents proud that I will be able to go into command school. I will always remember what 2^nd LT sean told us, this has become a part of my motto in life. ‘ When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. Tough times don’t last, tough men/people do ! ’

It has been a long time since I last blogged. This time I found some time to blog.

During my BMT (Basic Military Training), from 14th August 2013, day 1, met my section mates, my close buddy. Here is a description of my school. I'm in BMTC (Basic Military Training Centre) School 4, Musketeers, 5th Company (aka 5th Coy) in platoon 4 section 2 bed no.: 8. Hence my 4D number is 4208.
We are considered the most 'xiong' company in school 4. We were part of the 'Fantastic 4' meaning the 4 most 'xiong' companies in the whole of Pulau Tekong, which includes : Taurus, Ninja, Kestrel & us, Musketeers. We have a slogan for our company and that is " Conquered By None, 5th Coy ! "

Let's talk about my section mates, they include, Ashley Chen, Khalis, Afiq, Darren Lee, Andrew, Kevin, Dickson, Darren Teo, Jun Xiong, Samuel, Mason, Lester, Han Wei and Heikern. These people made an impact in my life during my 2 weeks confinement in BMT. Ashley is a very nice and kind person, constantly reminding us about what stuff we need to do, and the timing we need to fall in. Khalis is a very humorous person, always disturbing people and making people feel like he's not the one. HAHAHA ! He's a happy go lucky person. Afiq is nice guy, although quiet but when he's into something he will be very enthu about it. Darren Lee is very optimistic, even though he OOT (Out Of Training) due to falling down from  SOC (Standard Obstacle Course) and breaking his rib cage, he does things very seriously, always smiling, always looking very positive, looking on the bright side of his life. Andrew the joker of our section, always dancing when music is playing in the bunk and always flexing his muscles and singing army songs in indian accent HAHAHA ! Kevin is quite quiet, but very hardworking, every night, he will take out his own notes and books learning Korean and Malay. Dickson is my buddy, he is very skinny and sometimes quite blur haha. He's is a very music talented guy, plays the violin and guitar :) Darren Teo is aka the gay buddy in our section forever making weird nosies (you know what I mean) and a joker. But afterall he's a kind and nice person, easy going. Jun Xiong may seem quiet and don't talk much but once he's high, hell let loose LOL ! Samuel is our platoon IC. His job is tough, making sure the the whole section is there, moving fast from point A to B and he has a high sense of responsibility. Mason always making sure we do things together from cleaning the bunk together and engaging us, sometimes he will act gangster but in a funny way, humorous guy. Lester the fittest guy in our section even I'm not up there. He does triathlon and runs alot. His sundown marathon timing was an hour faster and me ! He completed 42.195KM in 3 hours 27 mins. He's aiming for best PT in the company, his 2.4km timing, 8 mins 26 secs only 2 secs away from smashing the company's record ! Han Wei is a tall and muscular guy very quiet and sometimes asking retarded questions at times hahaha. Heikern the scholar in our section, with a GPA of 3.992/4 almost a perfect score. He is very responsible, kind and helpful always going the extra mile to help people !

During the 2 weeks confinement, I did alot of thinking, thinking why are we serving NS ? We serve NS because we want to protect the people we love, our families and our loved ones. We are protecting Singapore so that they can have a safe place to stay in. This 2 weeks, gone through hell with these 15 guys, kenna tekan (punished in malay) sweat together, have fun together ! Everytime I feel like breaking down due to confinement at that period of time, one letter braced me through, and that was my good friend Sze Rong. She encourages me and tell me to hold on, because she knows that I will and be able to pull through the hard times. She told me to aim for the stars which I've been aiming to. A big thank you to you Sze Rong :) Next Tuesday is hell week, my field camp, 6 days in the forest with no shower, 4 days field camp, 2 days SITEST, (Situational Test) Going through not only physical fitness and combat fitness but also mental strength.

Till then, I will blog again.
Goodbye !